Grief, Adoption, and the Losses No One Names

Some griefs get flowers and casseroles. Others get silence — or worse, “but you should be grateful.” Disenfranchised grief is real loss that the world doesn’t recognize or permit, and carrying it alone is one of the heaviest things a person can do.

Grief the world won’t validate

Disenfranchised grief is loss that isn’t openly acknowledged, socially supported, or publicly mourned. It shows up around estrangement, infertility, the end of a friendship, identity loss — and, powerfully, in the adoptee experience, where grief and gratitude can live side by side.

The adoptee experience

Adoption can hold love and loss at the same time. Adoptees may carry grief for birth families, culture, or identity — grief often met with “but you were given a better life.” That dismissal doesn’t erase the loss; it just makes it lonelier. Honoring both truths is part of healing.

How therapy helps

Therapy gives your grief a place to finally be witnessed and named — no ranking, no minimizing, no timeline. From there, you can integrate the loss into your story instead of carrying it as something you’re not allowed to feel.

As an adult adoptee myself, I hold this work with particular care, by telehealth across New York.